I am currently typing this from the comfort of my dorm room in UCSD Argo Hall, my life as of now has been great. To date I've been in college for a good two months now and things still feel sort of unreal for me. One of the biggest changes that I've made for myself is that I have a girlfriend, which is alright I guess, until I realize how sometimes I wish I never had one. To begin with the way we started was rather rushed: we got together the first week I and I wasn't even serious about her to begin with, yet nonetheless she insisted that we start dating. Essentially these two months have been the two months for our relationship to grow, and despite a lot of the good that comes from it, the more longer I'm around her, the more attached to her I become which sucks since there are so many better things I could be doing with my life right now. It would be better if she wanted to go out and do the same things as me as well, but sadly she never does. We hang out, but half the time its in her got damn danky room where if I'm lucky I'll get to be in if her roommate isn't staying in on the weekends. Also despite her saying how she enjoys spending so much time with me, she never seems to make any effort to initiate shit for us to do together, or if we are doing things together when she does ask, its with her friends who I wouldn't have much problems with if she bothered to even make an effort to hang out with me, without excluding me when I'm with them. Take today for example: we go to Target, of which I tried to go for the reason that I wanted to get to know her and her friends better, however she just spends the entire got damn time talking to them and not me. That's not to say I didn't even try to interact with them of which I did,although every time I talked to them I just felt excluded. This honestly makes me question why am I with her, and why do I feel like I have to tie myself down to her? Yeah its true she lets me go out to parties and talk to other girls, yet whenever I do that I still can't help but feel like I'm restricted by some sort of invisible rope. And if that wasn't enough I always feel like I'm the one putting in effort to do things with her as opposed to her as well. This relationship feels so one sided and I'm tired of it sometimes. If wasn't committed I wouldn't care if she tends to blow me off because I could find someone else;however right now it just feels like there could've been so many other girls I could be with besides her.

  Sometimes I think I've received the short end of the stick when I was born, I feel like God didn't make me the same way as other people, and I got screwed up. I don't feel normal, I feel slow, retarded, and honestly I feel like most of the reason why I'm like this is because I'm naturally nervous. Honestly I wish I wasn't naturally nervous, I wish I was like everyone else and didn't have to worry about everything, I wish my life wasn't terrible where I'm entirely surrounded by an emotion of troubles I've generated within my head. I wish I was like everyone else honestly. I feel so much more different than everybody, I feel like shit, I wish I didn't make the same mistakes over and over again, and I wish I don't take longer to learn certain things. I wish I had confidence, confidence in myself and my abilities, every single day. Not sometimes, not once in a while, always. Not many people knows what its like to struggle with yourself every single night, being unsure about what tomorrow holds, or how you might mess up. I learned this from driving, I wish I didn't have to fuck up all the time. I should get better by now, I should be consistent, sometimes I think my dad has given up hope on me. I'm scared lot's of people have given up hope on me, like my life is destined for disappointment but I shouldn't think this way. I feel hopeless sometimes, and no one really gives a fuck, I wish I had a therapist to help me solve my problems. I wish I had someone to talk about this to. I wish I could get better always and not mess up, I'm tired of this I feel like the reason I choose to be nervous is because I'm scared of messing up, yet at the same time, I keep comparing myself to others and imagine what a failure I am to myself. I want to be strong got damnit, I just don't know how.